Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Current mood: betrayed
Forever...for me this word is defined as a black hole that closes in time. It seems like it will never end, but then one day you look for it and it's gone. Hmmm...so Best Friends Forever does mean something when I say it, but when I hear it, I know that only a handful of people in my life are actually capable of meaning it. Others...like, "I will always love you", actually bounce off of me like they never meant anything. I used to believe them but now they're just words.
Family is blood. Nothing can take the blood from your heart or obviously you will die. Blood runs through your heart constantly to keep you alive. This is my family. My friends likewise. I believe once you make a friend and confide in them, they're there forever. Sometimes you go your seperate ways and then when you've found something you can share again, you come back to that path you were on before, only with new ideas and more friends and love to share. I have some friends that are this way...unfortunately the majority of them are so far away that it is difficult to share all things. I miss my friends. I wish I could see them every day. But then I would be selfish to pull them to a path they are not wanting to be on. That's not fair.
When you think about someone but never know whether or not you should call them or message them because you are embarrassed or feeling like it's not your right...maybe you should call anyways to see if it's alright. IF not, then you know for sure not to do it again. At least you aren't left wondering about it. Maybe you should put your pride on the line and tell someone you haven't talked to in a while that you Love them or you care about them so that you don't wake up one day to a phone call saying you will never get the chance again. It's happened to me. I had fear that someone didn't like me so I kept from calling out of respect of a relationship only to find out that someone I loved dearly...someone I never thought I would lose, had passed on at a VERY young age and I missed out on all of my chances to tell him how much I loved him. How much I missed him...and what a great person he was. I still hold that fear. Still jump every time someone says, I have some bad news because I never want to find out information like that alone. Ever. I am not good at dealing with those situations solo.
This is when I miss having someone around. Someone who KNOWS what I've been through and I don't have to explain each time every story that has already been told to reiterate what kind of pain I'm in due to my past.
I wanted to be with someone who knew my grandfather and got to listen to his stories and see the love I had with my cousin before he passed, and someone who saw me hold my nephew when he was young and while he is young...because it was easier on me than to try to explain these people...WHY? Cuz words will NEVER do them justice. Not even CLOSE!
FOREVER should mean that I never should have to tell those stories again. Forever means that my life experiences should not have to be put into words. Now I feel as if I'm sulking as I say what all has happened to me in life...yeah I've been dealt a few bad cards, but I'm alive and I'm okay, and I get to wake up every day and live for whatever reason I please. Isn't that good enough? No, because I still find myself missing something. No, I don't need it now nor do I want it, but is it too much to ask someone to mean the word FOREVER when it is said? I mean it when I say it and you can ask my best friend that I met at the BABYSITTER when we were like 4 or 5. Real friends don't leave you hanging, if they have somethin to do, they let you know.
I want to be that friend. I want the chance to be thrown in the lion's den so that I can prove myself to be worthy of such a majestic creatures presence. I want that opportunity, but when it's over and I am left standing proud and alive...I expect the same treatment from them. When I need someone most, or I make an obvious attempt to try and get ahold of someone, I would hope they would take that as a sign that maybe I need someone.
My emotions are getting the best of me tonight and last night so I must go for now, but maybe it's about time that Forever means forever, and friendship means dedication and actually caring about someone...even if it has nothing to do with relationships...friendships are the same thing.
Your fist may be strong but bruises heal, but the words you said are painful than physical touch could ever be, So tho you may strike and feel so terrible, remember what hurts worst are the awful things you said to me. I forgive in all my broken hearted ways...I will forgive, but I will never forget. I learn by experience and I've experienced way too much...way to many times...by way to many people.
I AM stronger because of it, however, I wouldn't have to be if people could stop hurting me in ways that only I can heal with time. I will survive.
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