Sunday, November 15, 2009
Current mood: shocked
Let me begin by saying, I am happy where I am. REALLY happy these days. I spend my time with a man who seems to still be iffy about situations sometimese but is willing to give it a try. Most times, especially during our time, things are really comfortable and nice to have let me tell you. But hey, the relatioshit factor is always there so good thing we are both aware of it so it won't take us over and make us lose ourselves. So far, so good, ya wanna know why? AGAIN? NOTHING CHANGED other than that one factor I was worried about. and it's a good thing that changed cuz it stressed me out. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT THO! This is about people in general and their views on relationships. Or what they would make relationshits cuz man it sucks. HEY THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT A MINUTE AND SORRY ITS SO LONG I NEEDED IT OUT! :).
Have you ever been offered something and then that person decides to take it back once you decide it is what you really really want? How about when someone doesn’t technically offer it but it is implied but then they can’t fulfill the offer due to their own feelings? I sit here a woman wondering what my next move will be since I have, more than once, thought I had my life set or planned out and it came crashing down on me as my thoughts and dreams were besieged and warped into reality in a cruel and painful fashion. This is not something I wanted to watch. I had beautiful things planned for myself and another who would choose to spend endless nights with me and enjoy the sunshine and rain equally because we would be spending this time together regardless of the weather or elements. Unfortunately, I have yet to find this other who thinks that I am worth that time. Although, I'm beginning to believe I have found someone who wants the same thing. Only time can tell. To enjoy your time with someone and not hold each other hostage as we tend to do like worry that the other is not faithful or trustworthy. Sick measures we find ourselves falling into as we hold on with all the strength we can muster up as we squeeze the life right out of ourselves as well as the person we care most about. How about the other perspective? How must it feel to be so miserable with someone that you can no longer take fathom the idea of coming home to them to share a night of joy and happiness…knowing this is false and that the fighting will commence as soon as you walk through the door so you look for any comfort that is thrown your way no matter how nasty or unholy it may be. Driven to cheat by another? Is it possible? Or is this a horrid reality that the daemon lies within us? Maybe we are built to have unsuccessful relationships. Maybe the idea of spending a lifetime with someone is a concept that our generation cannot grasp. I must say, I was recently single and I am still flabbergasted at how many friends I have that have the idea in their heads to just "mess around" with someone with no feeling whatsoever. To have as many people as possible to get it out of their system. Well I pride myself in knowing that my ideals spread from the idea that LOVE does exist and you CAN be with one person and never desire another to the point that you find yourself in situations that can only be described as unforgivable. I assume that I am not the only one who thinks this way but I am getting a little impatient trying to find someone who does NOT believe in cheating and all of these regulations on what constitutes "cheating". IT’S ALL CHEATING! Let me say something…if you wouldn’t do it in front of your mother with her knowing you have someone exclusive then you should NOT be doing it. Also, if you, in any way, feel that your significant other will be hurt by it. Don’t Do it. Monogamy is NOT that hard people. You CAN stay faithful if you TRULY love or even if you just respect the person for now and you put your mind to it. It is NOT that hard. OMG I am so adamant about this because I can do it and have done it and WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Are we not good enough that you feel it’s imperative to go find someone else to get your rocks off with? Are we not good enough that we have to sit back and accept being second best to anyone? Am I not good enough to be enough for you? This is my question. AND this is why I’m single so frequently I think. I want one man. One man to love me and choose me over other things such as other women for example. Is that so much to ask? I need that. I truly do. And that, my friends, is too much to ask of people anywhere near my age range for love. Yep, I said it. People my age SUCK cuz no one seems to agree with me. I would say they want their cake and to eat it too…but that makes no sense to me. I would eat my cake if it were my cake and given to me…what else am I supposed to do with it…but if you have cake…lots of cake and it’s good, WHY WOULD YOU PUSH IT ASIDE AND ORDER PIE? Makes no sense to me. Throw away something good just because you are too afraid to take a chance or give fate a try or even try new things to spice it up so that you don’t feel the need to cheat or leave or fight. Why is everything so difficult in the end and why can’t we just let ourselves love someone for who they are and accept what they find important? Why do we fight it? Because we’re scared. My best friend at the time and I were cruising in my new car and ranting and raving about whatever…anyways, I said, "It’s not fair, all of the people my age are either wanting to only mess around, broken, or taken." His reply actually stopped me from speaking for a few minutes. Must have been good if it shut me up. Granted, he was drunk and it was word vomit but he said, "You’re right. If they are this age and single, then they have all been broken in some way." Isn’t that sad? The realization of this actually made me want to cry. If I want someone I either have to be capable of piecing them back together or accepting of the fact that even though I believe I am, they don’t believe I’m worth settling down for. Otherwise I would be waiting for them to get over the heartache that is set deep down in them where I can’t reach because it is their own pain that they have to deal with on their own time. This is one I have problems with but can understand because I was there once. Forced into a relationship before I was ready and YES I made 50% of the decisions but inside my heart I knew that the ultimatum was going to be now or never and I should have chosen never in order to save myself. Now is probably when I need to put myself in others’ shoes and accept my fate. Lol. To relax and be happy with what I am given and maybe this time, it will work? Oh man, how I want it to work. But this new thing I have started in MY life is fun and I am lovin it. Fortunately we're best friends first. So everything is known and OUT THERE. No surprises and no skeletons hopefully. Honesty and the friendship without the worry of whether or not the other is sleeping around. If that was the case, we never would have tried anything. Someday I will be married. That's future so who knows if it will be a current pursuing or something different but marriage is something I want. I've always said that if he wants to keep me ( In sickness and in health hopefully cuz I’ve always said if HE will love me through sickness or health, I will love him for rich or for poor. I could care less. This is why I went to college. Things are much easier when you put two paychecks together as long as you know how to spend…or shall I say, not spend. OH MAN it’s almost 9 and I’m still babbling, I gotta go now. Good luck with health and love. It’s all we need I say. All we need.
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