Who's a BadAss?

I swear I have tried to portray myself as a strong, versatile, prosperous woman, but even so, when I cannot sleep due to horrible, terrifying, and incredibly realistic nightmares, I am stuck thinking at night until my head hurts so bad from trying to figure things out and my eyes hurt so bad from stressing them so long and my heart hurts from thinking too much...that I finally fall asleep.  Only to wake up an hour or two later crying my eyes out from whatever my subconscious has decided to present to me as something I need to see now.  Why is my subconscious torturing me?  Why can't I dream of beautiful things that I will get to see or make up things and imagine things I want to see but will never get the opportunity to?  This is not fair, and the only one I can blame is myself because they are my dreams and MY subconscious...which really sucks.  I would truly rather blame someone else if at all possible...but NO...tis I that is at fault (pause for dramatic effect). Woah is me.  I suppose I am creating my own tears, letting my fears get the best of me and treat me like a lowly little girl when I am anything but that.  Time to do some soul searching.  Not in the way that most do, but in the way that I need to...finding my inner badass and forcing her out against her own will.  Now, if I were a badass hiding inside someone's mind, where would I be? Probably somewhere in the vicinity of ninjas and heroins.  OKAY here it goes...wish me luck.  I may come out with bruises and scrapes but I'm gonna make my badass come out....wait a minute...if I am the one forcing a badass out doesn't that make ME like a superbadass or something?  I mean, I AM being the enforcer in a situation where I have to be even stronger than the counterpart that doesn't want to initiate this right?  ALRIGHT maybe I AM gonna be okay.  NOW to go find my subconscious and slap the shit out of it...again...wish me luck :) and better dreams.  - Kesha Flint

Just for smiles

So lately I have noticed that the pickup lines have gotten old. Can I borrow a quarter to call my mom, did it hurt when u fell from heaven, damn you're tall...yeah, I've heard it...along with everyone else in the place, so I decided I would search some out to help you out next time you see someone you wanna be clever with. Now my favorite is definitely the one I found a couple weeks ago stating "if you were a shin, I'd bang you on my coffee table" hahaha hilarious, but here are some more to think about, or possibly just to get a giggle out of you. If I have saved one thing through all of this, it is my sense of humor. So...humor me and read these I found! .............................. If I had to choose between one night with you or winning the lottery...I would chose winning the lottery...but it would be close...real close... ....,.,.....,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, You are a 9 - you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me. ................,.....,,,,,,,...,,,,,,,.,,, You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad. ........................................ Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines. So, do you pick 'Do you come here often?', 'What's your sign?', or 'Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines.'? ........................................... When God made you, he was showing off. .......................................... I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Batman! ...........................,,,,,,,,,,................ [Point at her ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken? ............................................. (As she is leaving) Hey aren't you forgetting something? (What?) Me! ..................................................................... Muahahaha worth a second look right? They make me laugh so I would probably at least stick around for a few and get to know this funny person a bit better lol - Kesha Flint

The way I'm seen

Today I was told that I am stronger than most. I don't see that when I look in the mirror. I see a woman who has often felt rejection, inadequateness, fear, and pain. I have been hurt many times and I cry too. I am definitely made from my emotions. Yes I believe I am a Libra by astrology's choice and timing and for some reason...that is quite accurate.   I cry often when I am alone to let out my fears and pain and yes I do put on a smile in public or around those I do not want to frighten. You will never see me show my fears or pain to my nephew, for example, because he has more important things to worry about, like why all of the avengers are not appropriately portrayed on his table cloth at his birthday. There is no reason to scare him or any of my friends or family over something as minuscule as myself.  This world is huge and filled with horrible things happening all around us and it would not only be selfish, but positively wrong for me to take attention from more important things. I am no longer in pain, except for when bright lights are turned on or in my line of sight unexpectedly. Most of the pain is gone.   No, my sight is not better, in fact it is worse, but the dr. Said that it would get worst before it gets any better. My left eye is difficult to see through due to the bleeding that happened from the retina before they burned it. If my body can convince itself to reabsorb the blood, then I will get most of my sight back. My parifrial vision in my left eye seems to have been compromised but as soon as the streaks (dark lines that look like ink in water) go away...hopefully...I will have a large part of my vision back in that eye. My right eye is just blurred now but not as drastically as it was a week ago. I feel pretty good except for having to rely on everyone for rides...cuz obviously I can't drive...even to allsups. Strange how the smallest task becomes a big deal because I have to disrupt everyone else's lives too. Wow. What a bug. But I'm always thankful for those who smile when they pick me up and pretend like this is exactly what they wanted to do that day...help me out. I have some fantastic friends...let me tell you. I would also like to say that all of my manners have gone out the window. Please do not take it personally if you say hi and I act like I don't recognize you. I really can't see you from far away and especially at night. Everyone looks the same to me and I am not ignoring or blowing you off. I am just going about my life hoping that people who know me will announce themselves, or walk close enough I don't seem rude. I apologize if I have treated anyone unfairly since, this has happened. It is not on purpose I promise. From the bottom of my heart...I care. I swear I do. ( oh except for that guy...don't talk to me, I was ignoring you) JUST KIDDING LOL!!!! I can't think of anyone I hate that much, if I do, then ya probably would be avoiding me cuz you have done something horrible to me, not the other way around. Till next time friends, and family, and loved ones, and people who read my blog that I don't know, and YOU...YES especially you, no, not that guy...you. Seriously I mean it, thanks for reading this ;) - Kesha Flint

Im afraid that I can't see the screen so hang in there through this one ok?  Okay, I got the surgery on my right eye today.  It takes anywhere from two  weeks to two months for the eye's swelling to go down and allow my vision to clear up a bit.  This is not factoring in the blood that is in and around and on the retina that makes it look as if I'm looking through a taillight. It's blurry and red so colors are still difficult for me to tell apart and reading things like this blog are far fetched if at all possible. This one was twice as painful and I'm not sure why but it will take longer to get over these horrific headaches.  SO here is the prognosis.  Dr says that the new black streams going through my vision in my left eye are a good thing...yeah I agree, a good thing that I can't see?...but he says it's the blood that was bleeding from the nerves in the retina before he burned that part of the sick retina off.  So it turns out that he can burn that part off, and it stops the sick retina from telling the eye to bleed constantly...however, now we are waiting for that to heal so that they eye can actually stop the bleeding.  Problem is the nerves will keep growing no matter what and they will eventually bleed as well so this is a continuous procedure that will continue until I eventually lose sight due to the eye not being able to stop bleeding, gaining pressure on the eye and contracting glaucoma.  Fun right?  Looks like I have alot to do before this happens.  If anyone has connections on petting white tigers or photo opps in that situation...or is educated on mileage, price and time management on drivin down Highway One, PLEASE let me know.  These are things on the top of my bucket list that sight is imperative for...some i had, like possibly having children in the future are growing dim if not impossible,catch my drift? It's time to stop being frivolous and startvsaving up for bigger things. Your prayers, especially the ones I did not expect, are much appreciated.  I have people contacting me that I would have never dreamed would.  If you only knew the situation you would know that God works in mysterious ways and he touches people and brings them together in the worst of times.  And support comes in many forms but all is wanted and love is always welcome.  Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I hope all of this is able to be read...cuz I can't read it.  Autocorrect sometimes kills my words so I'm worried.  But I'm gonna post anyways.  Love to all of my family and friends.  I will keep informed. - Kesha Flint

WHY take my EYES?????

As most of you know, I woke up Saturday morning with a horrific earache.  This is just my luck, see I had the Ipad from the school stolen from me and I spent three days looking for it...EVERYWHERE.  Yeah, it's gone.  Anyways, I woke up Saturday and could hardly stand the pain...but fought through it and went to graduation.  I got back and had drops put in my ears and took a nap.  I went to bed early due to pain after going to a bbq at grandmas and woke up only to take meds and eat.  I woke up from a nap on Sunday afternoon and couldn't see out of my left eye.  There was a DARK red cloud in the upper right-hand corner of my vision and two significantly large black dots in the center/right side of my vision. (That I now know are called floaters).  I quickly went back to sleep thinking it would go away if I just rested my eyes.  I was wrong :(...really wrong.  I spent all night worried about what this could be.  To me, looks like blood I'm looking through.  All around it is blurry and it's SO RED.  Everything white is red, everything green is gone, everything red is black...omg I'm going blind. So the next day, I go to work.  I can handle the pain of my ear, even though I haven't seen a doctor due to it falling on a weekend, I can do this, I'm good with pain, and I can kinda see if I focus hard or close my left eye. I can do this.  I called the eye doctor at lunch and they demanded I come in.  That's when my world came crashing down.  He said, this is not good Kesha, but don't be too upset, there's nothing you can do about it.  Diabetics sometimes draw the short straw and contract diabetic eye disease.  It's just something that happens over time.  (GREAT so you're saying that I can't do anything about it, so I should be happy about the fact that my nerves are growing into the eye to replace the nerves that the sugar my body couldn't process have ruined, and I should not be upset that these new nerves are weak and break and bleed into my vision)  The fear begins... (now they inform me that I have to see a specialist ASAP.  SO...the next day I'm headed to Amarillo. This is where I am now.  In Amarillo.  The specialist takes a ton of painfully bright pictures through my eye and turns to me and blatantly says, This is not good...there's no way to put this. (Now this is all I picked up...after he said Diabetic Retinopathy I kinda blacked out a bit...I know what this is and what it means, but the details shared next almost broke me. Here's what he said in so many words)  Your eyes are both equally bad.  They are both bleeding but only one busted to where you can see it in your vision.  You can't see this on the outside of your eye but the weak nerves growing in are bleeding into your eye, when the eye fills up, we can try to open it and get blood out but if they bleed and fill the eye, which is common, the pressure will be too much and you will go blind.  Without laser surgery, you have a 60% chance right now of being blind before this year is up.  (OMG)  So tomorrow we will try to laser those nerves and burn your retina so that they stop bleeding...to prevent this from happening.  You will lose your periferial vision, but your straight view will be preserved for now.   So tomorrow I will lose part of my vision in my left eye, next week, I wll lose the same in the right with laser surgery.  All I can do is wait and hope that the lasers burn the nerves to where they stop bleeding so that I don't go blind at 26.  Wow...I have So much I want to see.  I can't do the first 3 or 4 things on my bucket list if my vision is taken.  Forget highway 1...the sunsets...the ocean...the drive.  Forget petting a white tiger...I can't see it, that is what I love about them...the way they look.  Forget looking my child in the eye...this won't be possible...don't know how safe it would be to have one at this point.  WOW I'm starting to get depressed.  Gotta get off of this now.  PLUS my eyes are the first thing anyone comments on.  Really, you have to take this?  HOW WILL I INTERPRET SIGN?  I WILL NEVER SEE SIGN AGAIN.  Take my hearing...please, take that.  Spare my vision. I need it....please not my eyes - Kesha Flint

who are you

All the small things...like people I started a post in order to spark interest in this one, I don't know how many people read this anymore. I used to have tons of followers on MySpace, yeah I said it, but people would look for my blogs and now I have no clue who looks at my FB, let alone, my blogs so...to those of you who keep up and know I have over a thousand of them, here's another trail of my brain I'll share with you...a life lesson, if you will. In every relationship there are two sides. And before you turn and point out that I'm single and hurt my feelings (just kidding) but seriously...by relationship I speak, ever so knowingly, from experience, about ANY relationship. Parents/children, lovers, friends, married couples, you name it...it's a relationship and this pertains to it. Don't judge quickly, cuz it's not always, it's just in trying times. Believe me, there will be tough times and situations and you will have to choose your role. Two types of people come out when situations occur in a relationship and these are the ones that I have noticed thus far...or at least they are the ones I can remember. There will always be: One person who cares with all of their heart/one who will hurt the loving one with lack of luster and caring. One who believes that truth is imperative to great love/and one who carries wool around to cover their eyes in order to "protect them from their lies" One who will keep open eyes and keep their heart, soul, and mind open/and one who keeps to themself until it festers to the point it blows up in the other's face. One who shares plans and dreams in hopes that the other will become part of them/and one who pretends they want it or say they want it until it's no longer convenient. One who fights for things to work out/one who fights about what has already been fixed. One who acts around that person, as well as away from them, like they are taken and happy about it/and one who is looking always. One who wants to move into something due to being excited about where things may go and get life started/and one who thinks it's too fast and cannot bring their mind to wrap around the word "FUTURE". One who likes to be in control/and one who goes with the flow One who only wants to make the other happy, because that makes them happy too/and one who will take advantage and never give back. READY FOR THIS ONE??? Are you mad because it's not always that way? OH NO!!!! Relationships aren't supposed to be that way! We don't have to be one and the other fill the other slot? You're saying KESHA, you are SO WRONG...well here's why I wrote this... F'in PROVE IT THEN...everyone wants to BE better. Everyone wants to be the good guy. Well guess what, YOU CAN BE! It depends on your attitude and how you treat the person you care about. If you base your decisions, not just on yourself, but on the way it will effect you and the ones you care about...then maybe it wouldn't be this way! Maybe I would have hope that I'm not gonna get the crappy end of the deal. Those of us who try are losing faith in chivalry, in true love, in the meaning of it all...if I am going to put my all into something and get screwed over anyways, why should I try? Why should you? WELL good people are still out there. They aren't all taken. They are waiting for someone good to come along and offer their time and friendship long enough to build something. Care More!!! lol. Give it a try, it's not so bad when both sides have a part in a fantastic relationship. Honestly, it's out there. I've seen it with my own eyes. I want it. I keep my heart closed due to recent events...many many recent events, however, I keep my eyes open for opportunity and hope. Something to catch my eye and keep me interested in ways that even my heart can't understand. I'm here, and I'm not the only one. Good people are lonely every day because others can't handle the pressure or refuse to open their eyes to something worth a try. So here I sit. AND THOSE OF YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP, keep your heart on the goal at hand...happiness. If your friends are happy, you will be too. If your parents are trying to help, let them. If you have difficulties in your life, keep true to yourself. I'm sure you and I both will get what is coming to us, and that thing, is beautiful.

I'm a Liferaft...no it makes sense

So last night while I was lying in bed...alone...again...lol, I started thinking to myself, "Self, you have got to figure out why things like this keep happening to you."  Well, I've got it!!!! By golly I have got it. Are you ready for this one? It's reaching but I hope it makes sense.  Put on your thinking caps lol.

You're on a ship. A beautiful, nice ship and it starts sinking. You think, "where did I put my alcohol?" Just kidding. Haha.  You think oh man I need something to save me.  What could that possibly be?  My world is crashing down in front of me and I just don't know how I will survive this one.  Then I come along.  I am a liferaft, complete with everything you need.  I have an awning for shelter, I have enough suppliment to last you a lifetime, I have a bathroom, which we'll call a dumping groud for all the bullshit you bring along, I have room for all the baggage you need to bring onboard.  I have enough alcohol to support your partying fun ways, and a recliner fit enough for a king for you to relax in when you are tired or just plain worn out and need comfort.  I also listen which is new. I am there for YOU and no one else. But here's the deal...we have LOTS of fun, spend amazing days, weeks, months, years, together and you decide that you convince me to take you to shore so that you can get a good walk on solid ground...I ask you to fold me up and take me with you, but you convince me you will be back.  BUT HERE'S THE KICKER!  NO ONE LIVES ON A LIFERAFT.  No it's back to a ship where hundreds of people have been, it's not fun to live on a liferaft, the liferaft is simply to get you to safety...and I can certainly do that.  But once you've had your fill of me, once you have gotten your bearings back and you feel good again and you aren't sea sick, you can get right back on your speed boat and never see me again...until you once again need saving.  SOOOOO I ASK YOU...who is your liferaft, and when will I be picked up on a yaught and taken away?  When will someone truly feel safe in my arms and want to keep me around through the weather, whether it is good or bad?

What a lowly liferaft I am.  Proud to be the reason so many things work out for other people, but SO ready for someone to pick me...so many have had the chance and so many have walked out of my life due to other things looking more desireable.  Now I ask myself...What is so desireable? KIDS? Am I failing by not already having them?  Cuz everyone leaves me for chicks with kids.  The job aspect? My job isn't respectable enough?  Surely that's not true.  My looks?  Should I look like them cuz most of them have the same type of body structure...wow just noticed that.  I hope not, I can't get shorter. lol.  Maybe it's my personality.  I'm too nice?  Too naive? Too determined?  Too loving?  C'mon people drop me a bone.  WHAT IS IT????

It's amazing

It is truly amazing at how someone can come into your life, know nothing about you, and SAVE your soul from crumbling into a million pieces.  I have this friend that knows very little about me and this friend just so happens to not live here now.  He has no clue as to what is bothering me but gives 100% or more to attempt to make me smile almost every day.  It's the people that look past the smile and see the pain in your heart and soul that can honestly help you in the end.  Is it good to rely on a stranger you ask?  WELL YES if you have the backup to reinforce that others you love know them and vouch for their awesomeness. Hahaha...just kidding, this person is not a stranger, we've met and hung out and made a true connection as friends.  This person is special in alot of ways and apparently, without knowing it, I may have helped out while he went through a tough time as well...isn't Karma BEAUTIFUL sometimes?  All we did was create just a bit of sunshine in each other's lives through laughter and friendship and now we've met on a deeper level without even hearing each others' voices or having to be in each other's presence.  WHY can't more people be like that? Open to new friendships and letting people in?  Friendship is WAY more awesome than any other relationship cuz if you TRULY CARE for a friend you won't leave that person high and dry no matter what happens in your life...did I say NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS? Okay just clarifying that one. 

I have many friends.  Some from way back in the day and some new.  Some I had before and now I have them back again as better friends.  Either way, a friend is a friend and when you find those friends that make you smile, laugh and even cry (good tears) they are worth their weight in GOLD! Or possibly more, I have some very light weight friends that are worth more than that lol.  Everyone else can cope with the fact that you get what you give!  I was told today that I sometimes seem like I'm crying inside.  WELL I am sometimes.  I have a wall built up that I don't expect I could cross, let alone anyone else, and someone, today saw something and pointed it out to me and I cried with the biggest smile on my face I've had in weeks.  I just want to say thank you to this friend.  It turned on a switch that has been off for quite a run of days. I feel like I still have alot of growing to do but in this moment, I feel pretty damn good about where I'm at and why.  THANK YOU FRIEND!  Oh what a sight it is to see that light at the end of the tunnel even if it is faint and dim and flickering on and off.  IT'S THERE! and I think I just started runnin to it.

Cuz All I REALLY want

I've always had a passion for helping people. The adrenaline you get from other's happiness drives me to a point that I can actually thrive on myself being unhappy as long as I am surrounded by happy people.  I think the people you surround yourself with reflect what type of person you are at the end of the day so in turn, I appear to be better if I keep the ones around me content and comfortable.  What I want doesn't matter if it means putting someone else out because I would npt be happy knowing I've hurt someone else in order to achieve my own self-worth.  I think the step I may have missed in the past is not NEVER getting what I want, but being too afraid to voice how I feel about things.  Does this mean you have to change your life to FIT within the grounds of my wants and needs? NO WAY! However, I am over the fact that I can sit at home dwelling on things and wondering how they may have turned out if I had actually said what I wanted so no matter how far-fetched it may seem, I am going to start writing on here where my mind and heart is and those who want to read it, can and those who don't can close this out and never think about it again.  Those who care will read on and those who don't can delete me from their profiles and at least then I know who I will be making happy and who deserves it...makes sense to me. But you know my world is full of rainbows and butterflies and shit cuz I LOVE the idea of no worries or cares and keeping a sense of adventure as a steady flow from my soul, my heart, my mind...well everywhere lol.

I want to see myself gone from here one day.  I have been here for years and the opportunity for my potential is obviously waiting for me out there and i think I know where.  Not many know what I want to end up living life to find, but those who do have been so close to me in my life that they could probably tell you in an instant of looking into my eyes, what I am thinking and why.  These people are the ones I never want to lose.  The friendships I have held onto for dear life are worth it and no matter what confusion or pain I may suffer at times, the pain reminds me that I am alive and kicking   They keep me on my toes and eventually they work out to be something beautiful...honestly. Okay, so what am I looking for? 

Happiness, I've said this in the past...if you see $$$ when you dream you are reaching for the wrong comfort.  I would rather sit in a tiny little quaint house on the edge of the world with a fruity drink in my hand staring off into the distance or even laid up on a couch watching anything with someone I care about than to thrive on living in some big city in a skyscraper or in an apartment trying to make ends meet.  I want to get my education and work on myself as a person because I think if you are a good person and do things out of your way to help others, it will come back 10 fold.  I started last night.  I've been stressing about something (something secretive and serious)(do I sound mysterious? lol) and yesterday I let go and let God.  Got what I needed by checking on someone I care for, and now I feel much better. I was cruisin in the Stang with the top down just letting the wind blow through my hair and going nowhere specific imagining what it would feel like to be driving ocean-side with nothing to think about but my surroundings...in my imagination I was the passenger, so good thing i paid attention to driving lmao...but I got a call from someone asking for my services as an interpreter in a rather emergent situation.  I needed to help someone.  I am not certified so I knew that I would not get paid for it and it is tiring and difficult but I decided that good people don't say no when they are needed. So of course I immediately said yes.  I was there for 4 and 1/2 hours helping at the hospital since no one else was available and you know what? I felt great about it.  It amped me up and helped to remind me of what I am capable of doing. Plus I helped out our fine officers of Clovis, NM and I'm sure it did not go without notice to them because they had to protect me from the client as well.  It was interesting to say the least.

Self-worth, there we go again.  I got some and didn't ask for it or search for it, it just came to me. I want to spend my life with the intent to love with all of my heart and keep a firm grasp on my foundation...and by that I don't mean money, but money should be something you don't have to worry about.  I plan to get that job that keeps me comfortable and live a life where my bills are paid and I have a little nest egg for those times when I just wanna get away.  I think I deserve to be loved. A true love where the thought of being with someone else intimately makes you laugh because you know where you want to be and you have it.  I want custody of my thoughts and beliefs. My parents worked hard to instill them in me and I will not for a moment let them go.  Things can be discussed, but you should never feel you can't be yourself around someone. (end of story) I want this fairytale that...yes...there are bumps in the road because how boring would it be to always have someone give-in to your demand?  BUT I want the opportunity to voice my opinion and work through whatever it is with grace and understanding. I want to be beautiful, inside and out because what's inside, will shine out and  show others who you really are.  I want.  I want.  I want...now I'm just waiting for the opportunity to reach up and grab it. I can wait.  I am willing and able to wait for it as long as it is in my future, I am happy to know that I am a lucky lady now, and things will only get better.


- Kesha Flint

Life...this means war

Okay so this is my warning to life.  I have been tossed around and broken too many times now this is war.

I'm writing this for myself more than anyone else.  It is a commitment that will not and can not hurt me in the end.  I am now putting my goals in order and when life tries to throw something at me I'm finally gonna use my ninja skills to fight back.  

ONE I will go back to school and get my Masters degree in teaching so that I am not stuck here alone as my friends, one by one, leave for brighter and more promising aspects of life. TWO I will guard my heart and only let in those who cherish my friendship over anything else. THREE I will not go down with tear filled eyes wondering what just happened to me when there was nothing I could do to prevent it.  This is not a game.  This is my life that you are messing with and whoever has the strings better watch out cuz I'm coming out on top this time regardless of my trips or falls or PUSHES to the ground.

I like to think of myself as a fairly good person who puts others first and tries to protect others feelings more than my own.  That's over. My confidence has taken a beating in the past and this is the time to keep it at a level I can manage.  I am a loving person.  When my heart is in something, I will do anything I can to make it work and I just need to realize that when others don't agree with my endeavors, I cannot hold them down and keep them to myself...trust me it does not work.  I standing tall...well not right now, I'm laying in bed...lol...but I will stand tall and hold my head up and everything that smacks me in the face will get a big smile from me from now on as I take it in stride and embrace what I've learned from it.  WHAT HAVE I LEARNED YOU ASK? Well I'm glad you're curious and want to know.  What I have learned is that some people have a dark soul that needs to be cleansed by those around them who follow a fruitful and amazing lifestyle that is positive and always running towards what we want and feel we need. What is that...wow you're full of fantastic questions today...lol...THAT IS HAPPINESS.  No one will take that from me.  Because I am strong.  I am confident and I am always going to try to be the best friend, loved one, and family member I can be.  NOW how to do that...keep the poison out of my life.  Keep the ones I love close and never let them fall because no one was there to catch them.  I will grow to be a much better person if I can just remember to always see the things that are right in front of my face, never let the wool be pulled over my eyes and stop settling for what I think I am proud of accomplishing because I can do more. I can always do more. I have to do more. This way, when it's all said and done, I can sit next to someone who is willing to spend time with me and not judge me for enjoying the fast paced lifestyle I crave, but then slowing down when the time feels right to stop and enjoy the scenery.  This person is out there.  I know it...for a fact, I just have to get my life straightened out so that they can see the fire in me and appreciate it enough to want it.

Is it possible to find someone who is willing to wait for me to get my ducks in a row? So far...no. Someday...yes.  He will come to me and ask me to enjoy life with him in the sense of the way things used to be...you know, when love meant not cheating, never lying to one another, and having the strength to hold on when things get a little rough.  I'm gonna focus on my health and life choices for now and when the time comes, my chariot will be nice and warm and inviting and ready....until then, I'll drive myself around lol.  Strength is beautiful so I have to remember to keep it even when my heart hurts or something bad happens to me or those around me.


- Kesha Flint

to THAT kind of relationship

So this is clearly a love note made into something that I would prefer not everyone understanding lol Just kidding.  No, but seriously, this WILL be an ode to those people who just don't understand...yet.

Are you ready for this? Let's start by stating that every relationship has it's ups and downs.  Unfortunately, I know this all too well.  Now don't get me wrong, I've had my taste of emotional abuse and men who think that I am naive.  Not that I'm not...I am. I'm a hopeless romantic and no matter how awesome that may seem to people, it doesn't always work out in my best interest or sanity.  I have been known to fall for the convincing guy with the pretty eyes that make you feel like you're melting and the frequent I'm sorry, and I'll never do that again, or one of our favorites, "I'm here with you NOW...so you know what I want." (right...well where were you yesterday and where will you be tomorrow?) ANYWAYS, this is not about them.  This is about the fact that when we DO have problems, we immediately run to loved ones for advice or venting comfort.  How many of us run to our loved ones and talk to them about a good or awesome day?  NOT MANY admit it...that part is kinda lost because we aren't jolted out of the moment with tears or hyperventilating or whatever it may be that you do when you're hurting.

This is for all the times you...

Woke me up even though you were late and just stuck around to make sure I was okay.

The times you got up at 4am to get me food when my blood sugar crashed.

The times you brought me flowers or something just because you felt like it.

When you drove me to the hospital or doctor cuz you knew I was too weak to do it myself.

When you came to my rescue because my car broke down or had a flat tire.

The times you watch my shows even though you weren't that interested..

For rubbing my feet and legs to help my bad circulation even though your team is playing on tv.

When you sit and listen to my stories although you are probably bored out of your mind.

When you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me even though that romance stuff creeps you out.

How you run errands for me when I'm sick even though it's not your responsibility.

How you listen to my radio station even when you hate that music.

How you drop everything to come to my rescue when I'm stuck in the hospital.

How you stay in the hospital, never leaving my side even though you know you'd rather not be laying on that plastic bench they call a bed.

For accepting some of my friends even though they are guys and you know how much I mean to them...

For making me laugh when I feel like the world is cynical and pessimistic.

For holding my hand when you see a tear welling up in my eye...over a movie, real life drama, or pain I can't handle.

When you change your life for me and quit everything that I cannot live with.


This one goes out to all of the men or women that go out of their way to care for someone even though it puts them out or gets in the way of other plans or wishes they may have. Although it may take a while to truly get me and all of their antics, you find somehow to figure them out...because you care that much.  In the end, no one knows how it will end but at least there was a point where you can say you put your ALL into something or someone. Don't forget that it is ALWAYS important to try. 

YOU AND ME friends we may be,
Until the very end,
But if you take time to pick it apart,
You'd realize we started out as friends.

No one can change who we've become,
It's truly who we've always been at heart.
So now we just have to wait and see,
If we can stand being apart.

I guess God and fate can only tell,
What will become of you, me, or us.
You know where my heart is now,
We're just looking for that last piece....trust.

Don't give up on something great.  ride it out till the very end...this way, if it doesn't work out, you can say you gave your very best attempt and it will end up being something beautifully made, or something wonderful that just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason.  STEP BACK before it becomes something like hatred.  Let it breath.  If you hold something down long enough, it will eventually fight to get free. ANY living thing would fight for it's life if threatened with death, either mental, emotional, or physical.


- Kesha Flint

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...I mean...hospital

So two days ago I had a pretty bad Diabetes issue when it came to my blood sugars.  I would have them doing pretty well but then out of nowhere they would spike up and fluctuate up and down like an ironical roller coaster of horrible feelings and numbers ranging from 60 to 500.  anyone who knows Diabetes understands that your blood sugars are supposed to stay between 80 and 120.  So I was in real trouble seeing the other numbers I was getting.  No matter what I did, whether I ate or not, it was a mess.

Yesterday I knew that I was still week from the previous day however, I was stubborn and tried to push myself to continue life as usual. I forced myself out of bed and attempted to take on the day even though I knew I was too tired and something was not right.  I was getting that warm feeling that starts right below your ribs, sometimes through your arms and legs, then it would quickly rush up towards the top of my head giving me the feeling that I was about to black out.  NO I DIDN'T calm down.  But I did get up and go to the nurse after 3 hours of work.  She made me call my doctor (which I didn't get ahold of until yesterday LATE) to see if I could get any ideas.  Then someone, being the nice guy he is under circumstance showed up and took me home.  I struggled yesterday, although I had my moments of feeling perfectly normal. Doc said to show up the next morning (Which is obviously today) at 9AM.  HORRID time considering its TX time and an hour and a half drive, on top of stops and gas and car switching OH MY.

I showed up today, and waited in the waiting room for over 2 hours and then got in.  He sent me to the hospital and here I sit, bored as all get out.  OH that certain someone had brought me to the hospital helping me out...obviously not due to lack of caring, and decided to stay over night here.  WELL about 5 hours ago he got a bad case of food poisoning and had spent until 15 minutes ago puking his guts out, sitting in the hot shower, and dry heaving even more.  Poor thing, I had no strength to do anything except be upset about it.  I feel bad.  But it's kinda hard to hold back his rhetorical hair when I have an IV attached to the wall of my tiny hospital room and I feel like crap.

So I called my parents and my dad came to get him...yeah at 1:30am. and took him home.  THANK GOD, poor guy was dying I'm pretty sure. Now I'm worried that he isn't better that he needs someone to help him.  At least I have nurses and doctors close.  He's just goin home to pets.

OH are you wondering what's wrong with me? lol.  I guess I skipped that part.  I'm STUCK here for a few days at the least. I keep saying a couple to my friends cuz I don't want them guilted into coming up here, but yeah 2 days will be getting the antibiotics into my system.  Then treatments for a massive infection in my body.  They're gonna grow the bacteria in a bottle to see if they are using the right meds now...a girl can only hope they are...but then they will decide what to do.  In the mean time, I'm alone, bored, hungry,  exhausted but not tired, and I don't know how I feel about it.  Oh well, such is life :) All will be well soon and I am goin to make it for sure. 

Hope everyone and everything in my life both close and far is going well since it's tough to keep up and hopefully nothing else stressful will happen ANYtime soon after this.  I wish you a good night, day, however long it takes to get out of here....OH AND TY JESUS, I DID grab my ipad and bluetooth keyboard so I can at least write and get it off my chest.

OKAY you just spent all that time reading this to find out...I'm on antibiotics, and I'll be just fine.  Sorry to waste your time lol but it helps me to vent.


- Kesha Flint

Struggling

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even deserve some of the things that I receive.  Honestly, I feel like I try to be a good person but when I give advice to other people, I catch myself counting all of the times that I didn't follow that very advice myself. I have so many people that I have hurt in my life, so many that I have let down, and SO many that I have not been able to keep in my life even when I truly want them to stay.

I have been struggling to keep my life strongly knit for the last few weeks and I keep watching as it slowly unravel right in front of my eyes.  Problem is, the harder I try to keep it together, the more it pulls out of my gripping hands and I have no choice but to watch it the best I can through my teary eyes.  I keep in mind that if you love something, you let it go, if it doesn't come back to you then it truly wasn't yours to begin with. A very strong and respectable woman in my life and even more in my past used to tell me this.  You know what?  I believe this, but even though I may say it again and again in my head, I can't help but wonder if I had held on just a little longer if I could have prevented losing so many things.  LOSS, that's a difficult concept to grasp. Belongings are hard to lose, but I would give up any of them to keep people in my life that I care about. Unfortunately, giving up some things is just not my forte.  I want to hold onto people and let them know how much they care for me, but I DO have a hard time doing that when they can look me in the eye or speak directly to me and say, I Don't Want this...or you.  Even harder when they so easily tell me that I am not putting my all into a friendship or relationship or family bond when it's my best effort.

I am an emotional person and every time I am told that I am a good person, it is embarrassing a little, but appreciated none the less. I can let that go in an instant reminding myself that I cannot thrive on it considering I DO NOT want to appear conceited, but when someone tells me I'm a bad friend or that I don't care, I let that break me down to nothing until I can build myself back up to thinking I'm worth anyone's time.  YES this is MY issue and not anyone else's but it still hurts to hear.  

Which brings me to my next point.  When you are upset and especially when your wall comes down, such as when you're drunk, a lot of the time you let something out that your mind would normally tell you not to.  Well, with me, honesty is key.  So when someone comes out and says something to me even inebriated, I take into consideration that the person must have that somewhere in their heart deep down and they have just not had the balls tp say it to me sober. Unfortunately, I am normally the one who is sober enough to remember EVERYTHING that happens...Kudos right? DD, yeah well it isn't always fun remembering EVERYTHING because everyone else gets to brush it off and pretend nothing happened.

I can only be my best, and when that is broken down, so am I.  And here I lay, tears rolling down my cheek, just thinking about how I can be a better person and not be hurt about those who have chosen to rule me out of their lives.  Can I just say something?  If you have a friend and you truly cherish what they bring to your life, treat them as if that is the case.  After a few times of hearing that your lives just aren't meant to be a bond, they will believe you and think that themselves.  I don't know, my life is in ruins.

WORK (failing), FRIENDSHIPS (Some failing) don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends but I've lost a few lately. LOVE (failing...I'm not capable of showing it like others deserve I think) FAMILY (failing)...some of that is great too, but I think I'm selfish and don't spend enough time, maybe I put other things as too important, and my nephew and sister are moving away. Ask me how often I've seen him lately...NOT ENOUGH cuz they are LEAVING.

Like I posted earlier, Cleaning up my life is like REALLY cleaning my room.  First I have to take everything out, making it look like a HORRIBLE mess, then get all of the nonsense out, then sort everything out, then neatly and nicely put the important stuff back into place where it belongs.  After all of that, I even have room for new stuff like friends and such, but so far, I have only gotten to the step of taking everything out and making a mess.

GOD please let it be true that it gets worst before it gets better or I will be lost for sure.

I gotta rest my mind, I gotta sleep.  If you made it through this whole thing, I am amazed.  Maybe you have ideas on how I can fix my life to allow myself to feel like me again. :( night everyone. Bless you and all that you hold true and all you believe and care about.


- Kesha Flint

Who saves you?

So today I was reading up on some authors that I love and came across a few I have never heard of. Well I shouldn't say never, I just don't remember them. One in particular was named Goethe. What do I like about this author? First of all, I can understand the language without having to read it 3 times wondering all the while whether or not they wanted me to take the writing in that way or another. The other thing is that I could kinda hear my own voice a little when reading it. I enjoy talking to myself so why wouldn't I enjoy reading something that sounds like I would have written it? So I read something about loving yourself. I sensed sarcasm in some of the writing so yeah that's always fantastic as well. Anyways, if you're gonna be a writer you have to keep feeding your psyche. You have to read others' writing or else you will block out. I had stopped reading. Yeah, pretty much entirely so while stuck in the library with no client, I decided to randomly pick up a book and read. I read about everything from hating life, loving life, marriage (good and bad), plays, poetry, and short stories to spark my creativity. All I was getting was stupid sarcastic comments about their writings. Hahaha.

What I got out of it was...this:

If you feel as if you are human,
You will never save anyone,
heart or soul or otherwise.
If you feel like you are amazing,
Then you can do the impossible,
Truly save another's life.
But when they choose another,
You cannot be broken hearted,
For you lead them to that ability,
If you are that amazing,
Give someone else a chance,
To focus on you for the saving.

I don't know. Anyone who thinks they are that amazing won't give anyone a chance to get in to save them. Why? Because we are too strong to let that happen. But if you do find yourself letting someone in, then maybe you are stronger than you thought you were. I guess I need to say tho that if you save someone and help them love themselves, and then you just aren't what they lean towards when soul searching, you should walk away happy, knowing that you wanted the best for that person or you wouldn't have bothered and that is the time to prove your strength fully. It's scary and hard and incredibly ironic, but it happens and you gotta be able to let it go. YOU are a better person in the end and you can feel fantastic knowing in some way, you saved a life. ROCK on wit your bad self ya HERO you.

Someday you'll be lucky enough to find that same love with someone where you can save each other. When that happens, you'll know what it feels like to be both strong and weak at the same time. Sounds disgusting but it is pure bliss.

SEE now I explained my writing after I wrote it. No wondering how to take the writing or whether or not you mis-interpreted it. Which reminds me of a saying I read...

LIFE is a foreign language that everyone misinterprets.
(as an interpreter this one is truly appreciated)
SO LIVE IT, let your wall down but be strong enough to build it back up should someone unworthy step into your space.

LOVE YA ALL. Kesha...out.


- Kesha Flint

Tired? Did you call me TIRED? Oh yeah...I am lol

Today is Tuesday, which I normally hate because we're stuck in the beginning of the week but nowhere near ending it and far enough away from the weekend that you aren't having spill-over with the weekend mentality. HOWEVER, we did not have school yesterday so I have mixed feelings considering its like a Monday being the first day of the week but it is also, now we're almost halfway through the week already and we just got started.

So the vet can't figure out why my pup is rubbing his eyes. I can't think of anything but that he's tired...cuz I'm tired lol. He looked for extra eyelashes and probably looked for mites in his fur but Nothin.

UGH...I'm tired of this tired feeling and the only way to get rid of it is by....JUST KIDDING don't you think if I knew how to get rid of it, I would have done it already? lol. Yeah, gimme a little credit. I'm just tired. By tired, I really mean emotionally and physically and mentally drained of all desired attitude lol. That's all. On that note, I'm gonna sign off for the day...and by day, I mean, I'll probably write again tonight. :) WHY? Cuz writers don't leave their paper hangin, or in this case, computer screen. :) MAN I LOVE THIS IPad! :)

- Kesha Flint

Why aren't you married???

I was doing a little late night, or early morning depending on your take of it lol, but anyways, I was reading and came across something funny and decided I would indulge on it.

Anyone who truly knows me can vouch for the fact that I put on a pretty good front when I'm asked if I have what I want and I'm happy. Don't read this sideways cuz I am happy but I do want to be married and have kids but I am one of the few 26 year old women that I know that STILL rocks her maiden name. lol. I don't know, just hasn't been in my cards yet I suppose but I am PROUD to be the last in my immediate family that still upholds the family name :) My hope is to someday be a proud owner of a new last name but so far, not my time. Here are some answers to the question, "Why aren't you married yet?" to get me by until that day...may it ever come. :)

TOP TEN REASONS to give when asked "Why aren't you married yet?"

1) It gives my mother something to live for.
2) WHAT? And ruin my sex life? NO WAY.
3) Because I LOVE hearing this awesome question.
4) Why aren't you single anymore?
5) My job doesn't allow spouses.
6) I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
7) My fiance is waiting for his parole. LMAO (well it fit earlier in life lol)
8) What? And lose all the money I've invested in personal adds?
9) I'm waiting till I'm old...you know, your age lol.
10) It doesn't seem worth a blood test lol.
11) I already have too much laundry to do...thanks tho lol.
12) I heard of a great singles bar opening up on my block.
13) I'm married to my career, but we have been discussing separation.
14) Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15) I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

16) I've never had one before...why does it matter now?

EH I found it entertaining. Of course, I added a few in and changed them all lol. BUT same jist ;)

TILL NEXT TIME,
- Kesha Flint

Another Chapter, Another book

Show em...you can pick your head up and keep it there, no matter what comes at you, you are confident with your looks, personality, and ability to take whatever life throws at you and flip it around to where it benefits not just you but all around you.


Once again, I have reached out on a limb and decided not to let the wind knock me off. That being said, it is like 80mph winds right now...literally...outside that is and it is quite scary out on my psychological limb. YES I did make a stand and decide that to work things out, sometimes you gotta mess it up a little and step back to re-evaluate the situation. If we don't do it now, it may never get done. Sounds awesome right? Never having to do it at all, that is. However, it is not. If its never addressed then eventually it will all blow up in your face leaving you looking completely taken a back and deep down, you know that it would happen all along. You just chose to set it aside and not pay attention to it even though it comes kicking and screaming toward you every fight, every silent night, every single step you take forward, it is there. Staring you in the face, waiting until you are least ready for it and then it jumps out and rips your heart out. I know what you're thinking. Not me. I'm smarter than that. We are fine. Some things are better left alone. WRONG! Well, at least I think it's wrong. I believe that if you just take care of it and look right at it and cut it off, you can also have Charlee Sheen syndrome. You know, winning lol. We have ample chance right now that I have agreed to take on. I moved out. Do I love him? Yes. Can I see myself spending my life with him...yes. Does everything always go how we want it to? NO WAY or I'd be a millionair with tons of animals, I'd work at a paper and I'd have KA medical insurance just to write what I feel for people. Not happening today. Won't happen tomorrow. I can control some things in my life though and those things are the ones that make me a respectable person. SOOOoo I'm hoping that i seem like the queen of RESPECT due to what I have been putting myself and the ones I love through. Here it goes, to everyone who cares, I'm doing great. Just like any one of you would. We are strong people. We can make it through anything possible. I will say that I have seen some horrible things happen to some pretty awesome people and we can all agree that it takes an amazingly strong person to get through some of it. So I end with this...If we do our best, and it isn't enough, we are still the best. Drop everyone who doesn't appreciate it because YOU are amazing.


- Kesha Flint