Struggling

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even deserve some of the things that I receive.  Honestly, I feel like I try to be a good person but when I give advice to other people, I catch myself counting all of the times that I didn't follow that very advice myself. I have so many people that I have hurt in my life, so many that I have let down, and SO many that I have not been able to keep in my life even when I truly want them to stay.

I have been struggling to keep my life strongly knit for the last few weeks and I keep watching as it slowly unravel right in front of my eyes.  Problem is, the harder I try to keep it together, the more it pulls out of my gripping hands and I have no choice but to watch it the best I can through my teary eyes.  I keep in mind that if you love something, you let it go, if it doesn't come back to you then it truly wasn't yours to begin with. A very strong and respectable woman in my life and even more in my past used to tell me this.  You know what?  I believe this, but even though I may say it again and again in my head, I can't help but wonder if I had held on just a little longer if I could have prevented losing so many things.  LOSS, that's a difficult concept to grasp. Belongings are hard to lose, but I would give up any of them to keep people in my life that I care about. Unfortunately, giving up some things is just not my forte.  I want to hold onto people and let them know how much they care for me, but I DO have a hard time doing that when they can look me in the eye or speak directly to me and say, I Don't Want this...or you.  Even harder when they so easily tell me that I am not putting my all into a friendship or relationship or family bond when it's my best effort.

I am an emotional person and every time I am told that I am a good person, it is embarrassing a little, but appreciated none the less. I can let that go in an instant reminding myself that I cannot thrive on it considering I DO NOT want to appear conceited, but when someone tells me I'm a bad friend or that I don't care, I let that break me down to nothing until I can build myself back up to thinking I'm worth anyone's time.  YES this is MY issue and not anyone else's but it still hurts to hear.  

Which brings me to my next point.  When you are upset and especially when your wall comes down, such as when you're drunk, a lot of the time you let something out that your mind would normally tell you not to.  Well, with me, honesty is key.  So when someone comes out and says something to me even inebriated, I take into consideration that the person must have that somewhere in their heart deep down and they have just not had the balls tp say it to me sober. Unfortunately, I am normally the one who is sober enough to remember EVERYTHING that happens...Kudos right? DD, yeah well it isn't always fun remembering EVERYTHING because everyone else gets to brush it off and pretend nothing happened.

I can only be my best, and when that is broken down, so am I.  And here I lay, tears rolling down my cheek, just thinking about how I can be a better person and not be hurt about those who have chosen to rule me out of their lives.  Can I just say something?  If you have a friend and you truly cherish what they bring to your life, treat them as if that is the case.  After a few times of hearing that your lives just aren't meant to be a bond, they will believe you and think that themselves.  I don't know, my life is in ruins.

WORK (failing), FRIENDSHIPS (Some failing) don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends but I've lost a few lately. LOVE (failing...I'm not capable of showing it like others deserve I think) FAMILY (failing)...some of that is great too, but I think I'm selfish and don't spend enough time, maybe I put other things as too important, and my nephew and sister are moving away. Ask me how often I've seen him lately...NOT ENOUGH cuz they are LEAVING.

Like I posted earlier, Cleaning up my life is like REALLY cleaning my room.  First I have to take everything out, making it look like a HORRIBLE mess, then get all of the nonsense out, then sort everything out, then neatly and nicely put the important stuff back into place where it belongs.  After all of that, I even have room for new stuff like friends and such, but so far, I have only gotten to the step of taking everything out and making a mess.

GOD please let it be true that it gets worst before it gets better or I will be lost for sure.

I gotta rest my mind, I gotta sleep.  If you made it through this whole thing, I am amazed.  Maybe you have ideas on how I can fix my life to allow myself to feel like me again. :( night everyone. Bless you and all that you hold true and all you believe and care about.


- Kesha Flint