I've always had a passion for helping people. The adrenaline you get from other's happiness drives me to a point that I can actually thrive on myself being unhappy as long as I am surrounded by happy people. I think the people you surround yourself with reflect what type of person you are at the end of the day so in turn, I appear to be better if I keep the ones around me content and comfortable. What I want doesn't matter if it means putting someone else out because I would npt be happy knowing I've hurt someone else in order to achieve my own self-worth. I think the step I may have missed in the past is not NEVER getting what I want, but being too afraid to voice how I feel about things. Does this mean you have to change your life to FIT within the grounds of my wants and needs? NO WAY! However, I am over the fact that I can sit at home dwelling on things and wondering how they may have turned out if I had actually said what I wanted so no matter how far-fetched it may seem, I am going to start writing on here where my mind and heart is and those who want to read it, can and those who don't can close this out and never think about it again. Those who care will read on and those who don't can delete me from their profiles and at least then I know who I will be making happy and who deserves it...makes sense to me. But you know my world is full of rainbows and butterflies and shit cuz I LOVE the idea of no worries or cares and keeping a sense of adventure as a steady flow from my soul, my heart, my mind...well everywhere lol.
I want to see myself gone from here one day. I have been here for years and the opportunity for my potential is obviously waiting for me out there and i think I know where. Not many know what I want to end up living life to find, but those who do have been so close to me in my life that they could probably tell you in an instant of looking into my eyes, what I am thinking and why. These people are the ones I never want to lose. The friendships I have held onto for dear life are worth it and no matter what confusion or pain I may suffer at times, the pain reminds me that I am alive and kicking They keep me on my toes and eventually they work out to be something beautiful...honestly. Okay, so what am I looking for?
Happiness, I've said this in the past...if you see $$$ when you dream you are reaching for the wrong comfort. I would rather sit in a tiny little quaint house on the edge of the world with a fruity drink in my hand staring off into the distance or even laid up on a couch watching anything with someone I care about than to thrive on living in some big city in a skyscraper or in an apartment trying to make ends meet. I want to get my education and work on myself as a person because I think if you are a good person and do things out of your way to help others, it will come back 10 fold. I started last night. I've been stressing about something (something secretive and serious)(do I sound mysterious? lol) and yesterday I let go and let God. Got what I needed by checking on someone I care for, and now I feel much better. I was cruisin in the Stang with the top down just letting the wind blow through my hair and going nowhere specific imagining what it would feel like to be driving ocean-side with nothing to think about but my surroundings...in my imagination I was the passenger, so good thing i paid attention to driving lmao...but I got a call from someone asking for my services as an interpreter in a rather emergent situation. I needed to help someone. I am not certified so I knew that I would not get paid for it and it is tiring and difficult but I decided that good people don't say no when they are needed. So of course I immediately said yes. I was there for 4 and 1/2 hours helping at the hospital since no one else was available and you know what? I felt great about it. It amped me up and helped to remind me of what I am capable of doing. Plus I helped out our fine officers of Clovis, NM and I'm sure it did not go without notice to them because they had to protect me from the client as well. It was interesting to say the least.
Self-worth, there we go again. I got some and didn't ask for it or search for it, it just came to me. I want to spend my life with the intent to love with all of my heart and keep a firm grasp on my foundation...and by that I don't mean money, but money should be something you don't have to worry about. I plan to get that job that keeps me comfortable and live a life where my bills are paid and I have a little nest egg for those times when I just wanna get away. I think I deserve to be loved. A true love where the thought of being with someone else intimately makes you laugh because you know where you want to be and you have it. I want custody of my thoughts and beliefs. My parents worked hard to instill them in me and I will not for a moment let them go. Things can be discussed, but you should never feel you can't be yourself around someone. (end of story) I want this fairytale that...yes...there are bumps in the road because how boring would it be to always have someone give-in to your demand? BUT I want the opportunity to voice my opinion and work through whatever it is with grace and understanding. I want to be beautiful, inside and out because what's inside, will shine out and show others who you really are. I want. I want. I want...now I'm just waiting for the opportunity to reach up and grab it. I can wait. I am willing and able to wait for it as long as it is in my future, I am happy to know that I am a lucky lady now, and things will only get better.
- Kesha Flint
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