Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even deserve some of the things that I receive. Honestly, I feel like I try to be a good person but when I give advice to other people, I catch myself counting all of the times that I didn't follow that very advice myself. I have so many people that I have hurt in my life, so many that I have let down, and SO many that I have not been able to keep in my life even when I truly want them to stay.
I have been struggling to keep my life strongly knit for the last few weeks and I keep watching as it slowly unravel right in front of my eyes. Problem is, the harder I try to keep it together, the more it pulls out of my gripping hands and I have no choice but to watch it the best I can through my teary eyes. I keep in mind that if you love something, you let it go, if it doesn't come back to you then it truly wasn't yours to begin with. A very strong and respectable woman in my life and even more in my past used to tell me this. You know what? I believe this, but even though I may say it again and again in my head, I can't help but wonder if I had held on just a little longer if I could have prevented losing so many things. LOSS, that's a difficult concept to grasp. Belongings are hard to lose, but I would give up any of them to keep people in my life that I care about. Unfortunately, giving up some things is just not my forte. I want to hold onto people and let them know how much they care for me, but I DO have a hard time doing that when they can look me in the eye or speak directly to me and say, I Don't Want this...or you. Even harder when they so easily tell me that I am not putting my all into a friendship or relationship or family bond when it's my best effort.
I am an emotional person and every time I am told that I am a good person, it is embarrassing a little, but appreciated none the less. I can let that go in an instant reminding myself that I cannot thrive on it considering I DO NOT want to appear conceited, but when someone tells me I'm a bad friend or that I don't care, I let that break me down to nothing until I can build myself back up to thinking I'm worth anyone's time. YES this is MY issue and not anyone else's but it still hurts to hear.
Which brings me to my next point. When you are upset and especially when your wall comes down, such as when you're drunk, a lot of the time you let something out that your mind would normally tell you not to. Well, with me, honesty is key. So when someone comes out and says something to me even inebriated, I take into consideration that the person must have that somewhere in their heart deep down and they have just not had the balls tp say it to me sober. Unfortunately, I am normally the one who is sober enough to remember EVERYTHING that happens...Kudos right? DD, yeah well it isn't always fun remembering EVERYTHING because everyone else gets to brush it off and pretend nothing happened.
I can only be my best, and when that is broken down, so am I. And here I lay, tears rolling down my cheek, just thinking about how I can be a better person and not be hurt about those who have chosen to rule me out of their lives. Can I just say something? If you have a friend and you truly cherish what they bring to your life, treat them as if that is the case. After a few times of hearing that your lives just aren't meant to be a bond, they will believe you and think that themselves. I don't know, my life is in ruins.
WORK (failing), FRIENDSHIPS (Some failing) don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends but I've lost a few lately. LOVE (failing...I'm not capable of showing it like others deserve I think) FAMILY (failing)...some of that is great too, but I think I'm selfish and don't spend enough time, maybe I put other things as too important, and my nephew and sister are moving away. Ask me how often I've seen him lately...NOT ENOUGH cuz they are LEAVING.
Like I posted earlier, Cleaning up my life is like REALLY cleaning my room. First I have to take everything out, making it look like a HORRIBLE mess, then get all of the nonsense out, then sort everything out, then neatly and nicely put the important stuff back into place where it belongs. After all of that, I even have room for new stuff like friends and such, but so far, I have only gotten to the step of taking everything out and making a mess.
GOD please let it be true that it gets worst before it gets better or I will be lost for sure.
I gotta rest my mind, I gotta sleep. If you made it through this whole thing, I am amazed. Maybe you have ideas on how I can fix my life to allow myself to feel like me again. :( night everyone. Bless you and all that you hold true and all you believe and care about.
- Kesha Flint
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Who saves you?
So today I was reading up on some authors that I love and came across a few I have never heard of. Well I shouldn't say never, I just don't remember them. One in particular was named Goethe. What do I like about this author? First of all, I can understand the language without having to read it 3 times wondering all the while whether or not they wanted me to take the writing in that way or another. The other thing is that I could kinda hear my own voice a little when reading it. I enjoy talking to myself so why wouldn't I enjoy reading something that sounds like I would have written it? So I read something about loving yourself. I sensed sarcasm in some of the writing so yeah that's always fantastic as well. Anyways, if you're gonna be a writer you have to keep feeding your psyche. You have to read others' writing or else you will block out. I had stopped reading. Yeah, pretty much entirely so while stuck in the library with no client, I decided to randomly pick up a book and read. I read about everything from hating life, loving life, marriage (good and bad), plays, poetry, and short stories to spark my creativity. All I was getting was stupid sarcastic comments about their writings. Hahaha.
What I got out of it was...this:
If you feel as if you are human,
You will never save anyone,
heart or soul or otherwise.
If you feel like you are amazing,
Then you can do the impossible,
Truly save another's life.
But when they choose another,
You cannot be broken hearted,
For you lead them to that ability,
If you are that amazing,
Give someone else a chance,
To focus on you for the saving.
I don't know. Anyone who thinks they are that amazing won't give anyone a chance to get in to save them. Why? Because we are too strong to let that happen. But if you do find yourself letting someone in, then maybe you are stronger than you thought you were. I guess I need to say tho that if you save someone and help them love themselves, and then you just aren't what they lean towards when soul searching, you should walk away happy, knowing that you wanted the best for that person or you wouldn't have bothered and that is the time to prove your strength fully. It's scary and hard and incredibly ironic, but it happens and you gotta be able to let it go. YOU are a better person in the end and you can feel fantastic knowing in some way, you saved a life. ROCK on wit your bad self ya HERO you.
Someday you'll be lucky enough to find that same love with someone where you can save each other. When that happens, you'll know what it feels like to be both strong and weak at the same time. Sounds disgusting but it is pure bliss.
SEE now I explained my writing after I wrote it. No wondering how to take the writing or whether or not you mis-interpreted it. Which reminds me of a saying I read...
LIFE is a foreign language that everyone misinterprets.
(as an interpreter this one is truly appreciated)
SO LIVE IT, let your wall down but be strong enough to build it back up should someone unworthy step into your space.
LOVE YA ALL. Kesha...out.
- Kesha Flint
What I got out of it was...this:
If you feel as if you are human,
You will never save anyone,
heart or soul or otherwise.
If you feel like you are amazing,
Then you can do the impossible,
Truly save another's life.
But when they choose another,
You cannot be broken hearted,
For you lead them to that ability,
If you are that amazing,
Give someone else a chance,
To focus on you for the saving.
I don't know. Anyone who thinks they are that amazing won't give anyone a chance to get in to save them. Why? Because we are too strong to let that happen. But if you do find yourself letting someone in, then maybe you are stronger than you thought you were. I guess I need to say tho that if you save someone and help them love themselves, and then you just aren't what they lean towards when soul searching, you should walk away happy, knowing that you wanted the best for that person or you wouldn't have bothered and that is the time to prove your strength fully. It's scary and hard and incredibly ironic, but it happens and you gotta be able to let it go. YOU are a better person in the end and you can feel fantastic knowing in some way, you saved a life. ROCK on wit your bad self ya HERO you.
Someday you'll be lucky enough to find that same love with someone where you can save each other. When that happens, you'll know what it feels like to be both strong and weak at the same time. Sounds disgusting but it is pure bliss.
SEE now I explained my writing after I wrote it. No wondering how to take the writing or whether or not you mis-interpreted it. Which reminds me of a saying I read...
LIFE is a foreign language that everyone misinterprets.
(as an interpreter this one is truly appreciated)
SO LIVE IT, let your wall down but be strong enough to build it back up should someone unworthy step into your space.
LOVE YA ALL. Kesha...out.
- Kesha Flint
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tired? Did you call me TIRED? Oh yeah...I am lol
Today is Tuesday, which I normally hate because we're stuck in the beginning of the week but nowhere near ending it and far enough away from the weekend that you aren't having spill-over with the weekend mentality. HOWEVER, we did not have school yesterday so I have mixed feelings considering its like a Monday being the first day of the week but it is also, now we're almost halfway through the week already and we just got started.
So the vet can't figure out why my pup is rubbing his eyes. I can't think of anything but that he's tired...cuz I'm tired lol. He looked for extra eyelashes and probably looked for mites in his fur but Nothin.
UGH...I'm tired of this tired feeling and the only way to get rid of it is by....JUST KIDDING don't you think if I knew how to get rid of it, I would have done it already? lol. Yeah, gimme a little credit. I'm just tired. By tired, I really mean emotionally and physically and mentally drained of all desired attitude lol. That's all. On that note, I'm gonna sign off for the day...and by day, I mean, I'll probably write again tonight. :) WHY? Cuz writers don't leave their paper hangin, or in this case, computer screen. :) MAN I LOVE THIS IPad! :)
- Kesha Flint
Monday, January 16, 2012
Why aren't you married???
I was doing a little late night, or early morning depending on your take of it lol, but anyways, I was reading and came across something funny and decided I would indulge on it.
Anyone who truly knows me can vouch for the fact that I put on a pretty good front when I'm asked if I have what I want and I'm happy. Don't read this sideways cuz I am happy but I do want to be married and have kids but I am one of the few 26 year old women that I know that STILL rocks her maiden name. lol. I don't know, just hasn't been in my cards yet I suppose but I am PROUD to be the last in my immediate family that still upholds the family name :) My hope is to someday be a proud owner of a new last name but so far, not my time. Here are some answers to the question, "Why aren't you married yet?" to get me by until that day...may it ever come. :)
TOP TEN REASONS to give when asked "Why aren't you married yet?"
1) It gives my mother something to live for.
2) WHAT? And ruin my sex life? NO WAY.
3) Because I LOVE hearing this awesome question.
4) Why aren't you single anymore?
5) My job doesn't allow spouses.
6) I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
7) My fiance is waiting for his parole. LMAO (well it fit earlier in life lol)
8) What? And lose all the money I've invested in personal adds?
9) I'm waiting till I'm old...you know, your age lol.
10) It doesn't seem worth a blood test lol.
11) I already have too much laundry to do...thanks tho lol.
12) I heard of a great singles bar opening up on my block.
13) I'm married to my career, but we have been discussing separation.
14) Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15) I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
16) I've never had one before...why does it matter now?
EH I found it entertaining. Of course, I added a few in and changed them all lol. BUT same jist ;)
TILL NEXT TIME,
- Kesha Flint
Anyone who truly knows me can vouch for the fact that I put on a pretty good front when I'm asked if I have what I want and I'm happy. Don't read this sideways cuz I am happy but I do want to be married and have kids but I am one of the few 26 year old women that I know that STILL rocks her maiden name. lol. I don't know, just hasn't been in my cards yet I suppose but I am PROUD to be the last in my immediate family that still upholds the family name :) My hope is to someday be a proud owner of a new last name but so far, not my time. Here are some answers to the question, "Why aren't you married yet?" to get me by until that day...may it ever come. :)
TOP TEN REASONS to give when asked "Why aren't you married yet?"
1) It gives my mother something to live for.
2) WHAT? And ruin my sex life? NO WAY.
3) Because I LOVE hearing this awesome question.
4) Why aren't you single anymore?
5) My job doesn't allow spouses.
6) I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
7) My fiance is waiting for his parole. LMAO (well it fit earlier in life lol)
8) What? And lose all the money I've invested in personal adds?
9) I'm waiting till I'm old...you know, your age lol.
10) It doesn't seem worth a blood test lol.
11) I already have too much laundry to do...thanks tho lol.
12) I heard of a great singles bar opening up on my block.
13) I'm married to my career, but we have been discussing separation.
14) Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15) I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
16) I've never had one before...why does it matter now?
EH I found it entertaining. Of course, I added a few in and changed them all lol. BUT same jist ;)
TILL NEXT TIME,
- Kesha Flint
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Another Chapter, Another book
Show em...you can pick your head up and keep it there, no matter what comes at you, you are confident with your looks, personality, and ability to take whatever life throws at you and flip it around to where it benefits not just you but all around you.
Once again, I have reached out on a limb and decided not to let the wind knock me off. That being said, it is like 80mph winds right now...literally...outside that is and it is quite scary out on my psychological limb. YES I did make a stand and decide that to work things out, sometimes you gotta mess it up a little and step back to re-evaluate the situation. If we don't do it now, it may never get done. Sounds awesome right? Never having to do it at all, that is. However, it is not. If its never addressed then eventually it will all blow up in your face leaving you looking completely taken a back and deep down, you know that it would happen all along. You just chose to set it aside and not pay attention to it even though it comes kicking and screaming toward you every fight, every silent night, every single step you take forward, it is there. Staring you in the face, waiting until you are least ready for it and then it jumps out and rips your heart out. I know what you're thinking. Not me. I'm smarter than that. We are fine. Some things are better left alone. WRONG! Well, at least I think it's wrong. I believe that if you just take care of it and look right at it and cut it off, you can also have Charlee Sheen syndrome. You know, winning lol. We have ample chance right now that I have agreed to take on. I moved out. Do I love him? Yes. Can I see myself spending my life with him...yes. Does everything always go how we want it to? NO WAY or I'd be a millionair with tons of animals, I'd work at a paper and I'd have KA medical insurance just to write what I feel for people. Not happening today. Won't happen tomorrow. I can control some things in my life though and those things are the ones that make me a respectable person. SOOOoo I'm hoping that i seem like the queen of RESPECT due to what I have been putting myself and the ones I love through. Here it goes, to everyone who cares, I'm doing great. Just like any one of you would. We are strong people. We can make it through anything possible. I will say that I have seen some horrible things happen to some pretty awesome people and we can all agree that it takes an amazingly strong person to get through some of it. So I end with this...If we do our best, and it isn't enough, we are still the best. Drop everyone who doesn't appreciate it because YOU are amazing.
- Kesha Flint
Once again, I have reached out on a limb and decided not to let the wind knock me off. That being said, it is like 80mph winds right now...literally...outside that is and it is quite scary out on my psychological limb. YES I did make a stand and decide that to work things out, sometimes you gotta mess it up a little and step back to re-evaluate the situation. If we don't do it now, it may never get done. Sounds awesome right? Never having to do it at all, that is. However, it is not. If its never addressed then eventually it will all blow up in your face leaving you looking completely taken a back and deep down, you know that it would happen all along. You just chose to set it aside and not pay attention to it even though it comes kicking and screaming toward you every fight, every silent night, every single step you take forward, it is there. Staring you in the face, waiting until you are least ready for it and then it jumps out and rips your heart out. I know what you're thinking. Not me. I'm smarter than that. We are fine. Some things are better left alone. WRONG! Well, at least I think it's wrong. I believe that if you just take care of it and look right at it and cut it off, you can also have Charlee Sheen syndrome. You know, winning lol. We have ample chance right now that I have agreed to take on. I moved out. Do I love him? Yes. Can I see myself spending my life with him...yes. Does everything always go how we want it to? NO WAY or I'd be a millionair with tons of animals, I'd work at a paper and I'd have KA medical insurance just to write what I feel for people. Not happening today. Won't happen tomorrow. I can control some things in my life though and those things are the ones that make me a respectable person. SOOOoo I'm hoping that i seem like the queen of RESPECT due to what I have been putting myself and the ones I love through. Here it goes, to everyone who cares, I'm doing great. Just like any one of you would. We are strong people. We can make it through anything possible. I will say that I have seen some horrible things happen to some pretty awesome people and we can all agree that it takes an amazingly strong person to get through some of it. So I end with this...If we do our best, and it isn't enough, we are still the best. Drop everyone who doesn't appreciate it because YOU are amazing.
- Kesha Flint
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