Okay so this is my warning to life. I have been tossed around and broken too many times now this is war.
I'm writing this for myself more than anyone else. It is a commitment that will not and can not hurt me in the end. I am now putting my goals in order and when life tries to throw something at me I'm finally gonna use my ninja skills to fight back.
ONE I will go back to school and get my Masters degree in teaching so that I am not stuck here alone as my friends, one by one, leave for brighter and more promising aspects of life. TWO I will guard my heart and only let in those who cherish my friendship over anything else. THREE I will not go down with tear filled eyes wondering what just happened to me when there was nothing I could do to prevent it. This is not a game. This is my life that you are messing with and whoever has the strings better watch out cuz I'm coming out on top this time regardless of my trips or falls or PUSHES to the ground.
I like to think of myself as a fairly good person who puts others first and tries to protect others feelings more than my own. That's over. My confidence has taken a beating in the past and this is the time to keep it at a level I can manage. I am a loving person. When my heart is in something, I will do anything I can to make it work and I just need to realize that when others don't agree with my endeavors, I cannot hold them down and keep them to myself...trust me it does not work. I standing tall...well not right now, I'm laying in bed...lol...but I will stand tall and hold my head up and everything that smacks me in the face will get a big smile from me from now on as I take it in stride and embrace what I've learned from it. WHAT HAVE I LEARNED YOU ASK? Well I'm glad you're curious and want to know. What I have learned is that some people have a dark soul that needs to be cleansed by those around them who follow a fruitful and amazing lifestyle that is positive and always running towards what we want and feel we need. What is that...wow you're full of fantastic questions today...lol...THAT IS HAPPINESS. No one will take that from me. Because I am strong. I am confident and I am always going to try to be the best friend, loved one, and family member I can be. NOW how to do that...keep the poison out of my life. Keep the ones I love close and never let them fall because no one was there to catch them. I will grow to be a much better person if I can just remember to always see the things that are right in front of my face, never let the wool be pulled over my eyes and stop settling for what I think I am proud of accomplishing because I can do more. I can always do more. I have to do more. This way, when it's all said and done, I can sit next to someone who is willing to spend time with me and not judge me for enjoying the fast paced lifestyle I crave, but then slowing down when the time feels right to stop and enjoy the scenery. This person is out there. I know it...for a fact, I just have to get my life straightened out so that they can see the fire in me and appreciate it enough to want it.
Is it possible to find someone who is willing to wait for me to get my ducks in a row? So far...no. Someday...yes. He will come to me and ask me to enjoy life with him in the sense of the way things used to be...you know, when love meant not cheating, never lying to one another, and having the strength to hold on when things get a little rough. I'm gonna focus on my health and life choices for now and when the time comes, my chariot will be nice and warm and inviting and ready....until then, I'll drive myself around lol. Strength is beautiful so I have to remember to keep it even when my heart hurts or something bad happens to me or those around me.
- Kesha Flint
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
to THAT kind of relationship
So this is clearly a love note made into something that I would prefer not everyone understanding lol Just kidding. No, but seriously, this WILL be an ode to those people who just don't understand...yet.
Are you ready for this? Let's start by stating that every relationship has it's ups and downs. Unfortunately, I know this all too well. Now don't get me wrong, I've had my taste of emotional abuse and men who think that I am naive. Not that I'm not...I am. I'm a hopeless romantic and no matter how awesome that may seem to people, it doesn't always work out in my best interest or sanity. I have been known to fall for the convincing guy with the pretty eyes that make you feel like you're melting and the frequent I'm sorry, and I'll never do that again, or one of our favorites, "I'm here with you NOW...so you know what I want." (right...well where were you yesterday and where will you be tomorrow?) ANYWAYS, this is not about them. This is about the fact that when we DO have problems, we immediately run to loved ones for advice or venting comfort. How many of us run to our loved ones and talk to them about a good or awesome day? NOT MANY admit it...that part is kinda lost because we aren't jolted out of the moment with tears or hyperventilating or whatever it may be that you do when you're hurting.
This is for all the times you...
Woke me up even though you were late and just stuck around to make sure I was okay.
The times you got up at 4am to get me food when my blood sugar crashed.
The times you brought me flowers or something just because you felt like it.
When you drove me to the hospital or doctor cuz you knew I was too weak to do it myself.
When you came to my rescue because my car broke down or had a flat tire.
The times you watch my shows even though you weren't that interested..
For rubbing my feet and legs to help my bad circulation even though your team is playing on tv.
When you sit and listen to my stories although you are probably bored out of your mind.
When you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me even though that romance stuff creeps you out.
How you run errands for me when I'm sick even though it's not your responsibility.
How you listen to my radio station even when you hate that music.
How you drop everything to come to my rescue when I'm stuck in the hospital.
How you stay in the hospital, never leaving my side even though you know you'd rather not be laying on that plastic bench they call a bed.
For accepting some of my friends even though they are guys and you know how much I mean to them...
For making me laugh when I feel like the world is cynical and pessimistic.
For holding my hand when you see a tear welling up in my eye...over a movie, real life drama, or pain I can't handle.
When you change your life for me and quit everything that I cannot live with.
This one goes out to all of the men or women that go out of their way to care for someone even though it puts them out or gets in the way of other plans or wishes they may have. Although it may take a while to truly get me and all of their antics, you find somehow to figure them out...because you care that much. In the end, no one knows how it will end but at least there was a point where you can say you put your ALL into something or someone. Don't forget that it is ALWAYS important to try.
YOU AND ME friends we may be,
Until the very end,
But if you take time to pick it apart,
You'd realize we started out as friends.
No one can change who we've become,
It's truly who we've always been at heart.
So now we just have to wait and see,
If we can stand being apart.
I guess God and fate can only tell,
What will become of you, me, or us.
You know where my heart is now,
We're just looking for that last piece....trust.
Don't give up on something great. ride it out till the very end...this way, if it doesn't work out, you can say you gave your very best attempt and it will end up being something beautifully made, or something wonderful that just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. STEP BACK before it becomes something like hatred. Let it breath. If you hold something down long enough, it will eventually fight to get free. ANY living thing would fight for it's life if threatened with death, either mental, emotional, or physical.
- Kesha Flint
Are you ready for this? Let's start by stating that every relationship has it's ups and downs. Unfortunately, I know this all too well. Now don't get me wrong, I've had my taste of emotional abuse and men who think that I am naive. Not that I'm not...I am. I'm a hopeless romantic and no matter how awesome that may seem to people, it doesn't always work out in my best interest or sanity. I have been known to fall for the convincing guy with the pretty eyes that make you feel like you're melting and the frequent I'm sorry, and I'll never do that again, or one of our favorites, "I'm here with you NOW...so you know what I want." (right...well where were you yesterday and where will you be tomorrow?) ANYWAYS, this is not about them. This is about the fact that when we DO have problems, we immediately run to loved ones for advice or venting comfort. How many of us run to our loved ones and talk to them about a good or awesome day? NOT MANY admit it...that part is kinda lost because we aren't jolted out of the moment with tears or hyperventilating or whatever it may be that you do when you're hurting.
This is for all the times you...
Woke me up even though you were late and just stuck around to make sure I was okay.
The times you got up at 4am to get me food when my blood sugar crashed.
The times you brought me flowers or something just because you felt like it.
When you drove me to the hospital or doctor cuz you knew I was too weak to do it myself.
When you came to my rescue because my car broke down or had a flat tire.
The times you watch my shows even though you weren't that interested..
For rubbing my feet and legs to help my bad circulation even though your team is playing on tv.
When you sit and listen to my stories although you are probably bored out of your mind.
When you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me even though that romance stuff creeps you out.
How you run errands for me when I'm sick even though it's not your responsibility.
How you listen to my radio station even when you hate that music.
How you drop everything to come to my rescue when I'm stuck in the hospital.
How you stay in the hospital, never leaving my side even though you know you'd rather not be laying on that plastic bench they call a bed.
For accepting some of my friends even though they are guys and you know how much I mean to them...
For making me laugh when I feel like the world is cynical and pessimistic.
For holding my hand when you see a tear welling up in my eye...over a movie, real life drama, or pain I can't handle.
When you change your life for me and quit everything that I cannot live with.
This one goes out to all of the men or women that go out of their way to care for someone even though it puts them out or gets in the way of other plans or wishes they may have. Although it may take a while to truly get me and all of their antics, you find somehow to figure them out...because you care that much. In the end, no one knows how it will end but at least there was a point where you can say you put your ALL into something or someone. Don't forget that it is ALWAYS important to try.
YOU AND ME friends we may be,
Until the very end,
But if you take time to pick it apart,
You'd realize we started out as friends.
No one can change who we've become,
It's truly who we've always been at heart.
So now we just have to wait and see,
If we can stand being apart.
I guess God and fate can only tell,
What will become of you, me, or us.
You know where my heart is now,
We're just looking for that last piece....trust.
Don't give up on something great. ride it out till the very end...this way, if it doesn't work out, you can say you gave your very best attempt and it will end up being something beautifully made, or something wonderful that just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. STEP BACK before it becomes something like hatred. Let it breath. If you hold something down long enough, it will eventually fight to get free. ANY living thing would fight for it's life if threatened with death, either mental, emotional, or physical.
- Kesha Flint
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...I mean...hospital
So two days ago I had a pretty bad Diabetes issue when it came to my blood sugars. I would have them doing pretty well but then out of nowhere they would spike up and fluctuate up and down like an ironical roller coaster of horrible feelings and numbers ranging from 60 to 500. anyone who knows Diabetes understands that your blood sugars are supposed to stay between 80 and 120. So I was in real trouble seeing the other numbers I was getting. No matter what I did, whether I ate or not, it was a mess.
Yesterday I knew that I was still week from the previous day however, I was stubborn and tried to push myself to continue life as usual. I forced myself out of bed and attempted to take on the day even though I knew I was too tired and something was not right. I was getting that warm feeling that starts right below your ribs, sometimes through your arms and legs, then it would quickly rush up towards the top of my head giving me the feeling that I was about to black out. NO I DIDN'T calm down. But I did get up and go to the nurse after 3 hours of work. She made me call my doctor (which I didn't get ahold of until yesterday LATE) to see if I could get any ideas. Then someone, being the nice guy he is under circumstance showed up and took me home. I struggled yesterday, although I had my moments of feeling perfectly normal. Doc said to show up the next morning (Which is obviously today) at 9AM. HORRID time considering its TX time and an hour and a half drive, on top of stops and gas and car switching OH MY.
I showed up today, and waited in the waiting room for over 2 hours and then got in. He sent me to the hospital and here I sit, bored as all get out. OH that certain someone had brought me to the hospital helping me out...obviously not due to lack of caring, and decided to stay over night here. WELL about 5 hours ago he got a bad case of food poisoning and had spent until 15 minutes ago puking his guts out, sitting in the hot shower, and dry heaving even more. Poor thing, I had no strength to do anything except be upset about it. I feel bad. But it's kinda hard to hold back his rhetorical hair when I have an IV attached to the wall of my tiny hospital room and I feel like crap.
So I called my parents and my dad came to get him...yeah at 1:30am. and took him home. THANK GOD, poor guy was dying I'm pretty sure. Now I'm worried that he isn't better that he needs someone to help him. At least I have nurses and doctors close. He's just goin home to pets.
OH are you wondering what's wrong with me? lol. I guess I skipped that part. I'm STUCK here for a few days at the least. I keep saying a couple to my friends cuz I don't want them guilted into coming up here, but yeah 2 days will be getting the antibiotics into my system. Then treatments for a massive infection in my body. They're gonna grow the bacteria in a bottle to see if they are using the right meds now...a girl can only hope they are...but then they will decide what to do. In the mean time, I'm alone, bored, hungry, exhausted but not tired, and I don't know how I feel about it. Oh well, such is life :) All will be well soon and I am goin to make it for sure.
Hope everyone and everything in my life both close and far is going well since it's tough to keep up and hopefully nothing else stressful will happen ANYtime soon after this. I wish you a good night, day, however long it takes to get out of here....OH AND TY JESUS, I DID grab my ipad and bluetooth keyboard so I can at least write and get it off my chest.
OKAY you just spent all that time reading this to find out...I'm on antibiotics, and I'll be just fine. Sorry to waste your time lol but it helps me to vent.
- Kesha Flint
Yesterday I knew that I was still week from the previous day however, I was stubborn and tried to push myself to continue life as usual. I forced myself out of bed and attempted to take on the day even though I knew I was too tired and something was not right. I was getting that warm feeling that starts right below your ribs, sometimes through your arms and legs, then it would quickly rush up towards the top of my head giving me the feeling that I was about to black out. NO I DIDN'T calm down. But I did get up and go to the nurse after 3 hours of work. She made me call my doctor (which I didn't get ahold of until yesterday LATE) to see if I could get any ideas. Then someone, being the nice guy he is under circumstance showed up and took me home. I struggled yesterday, although I had my moments of feeling perfectly normal. Doc said to show up the next morning (Which is obviously today) at 9AM. HORRID time considering its TX time and an hour and a half drive, on top of stops and gas and car switching OH MY.
I showed up today, and waited in the waiting room for over 2 hours and then got in. He sent me to the hospital and here I sit, bored as all get out. OH that certain someone had brought me to the hospital helping me out...obviously not due to lack of caring, and decided to stay over night here. WELL about 5 hours ago he got a bad case of food poisoning and had spent until 15 minutes ago puking his guts out, sitting in the hot shower, and dry heaving even more. Poor thing, I had no strength to do anything except be upset about it. I feel bad. But it's kinda hard to hold back his rhetorical hair when I have an IV attached to the wall of my tiny hospital room and I feel like crap.
So I called my parents and my dad came to get him...yeah at 1:30am. and took him home. THANK GOD, poor guy was dying I'm pretty sure. Now I'm worried that he isn't better that he needs someone to help him. At least I have nurses and doctors close. He's just goin home to pets.
OH are you wondering what's wrong with me? lol. I guess I skipped that part. I'm STUCK here for a few days at the least. I keep saying a couple to my friends cuz I don't want them guilted into coming up here, but yeah 2 days will be getting the antibiotics into my system. Then treatments for a massive infection in my body. They're gonna grow the bacteria in a bottle to see if they are using the right meds now...a girl can only hope they are...but then they will decide what to do. In the mean time, I'm alone, bored, hungry, exhausted but not tired, and I don't know how I feel about it. Oh well, such is life :) All will be well soon and I am goin to make it for sure.
Hope everyone and everything in my life both close and far is going well since it's tough to keep up and hopefully nothing else stressful will happen ANYtime soon after this. I wish you a good night, day, however long it takes to get out of here....OH AND TY JESUS, I DID grab my ipad and bluetooth keyboard so I can at least write and get it off my chest.
OKAY you just spent all that time reading this to find out...I'm on antibiotics, and I'll be just fine. Sorry to waste your time lol but it helps me to vent.
- Kesha Flint
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